Surfacing

Now with gratuitous Swee'pea pics.


I have finally begun the search for daycare. Finally, I am pulling myself out of De Nile, letting its water run down me and out of my eyes, allowing me to see clearly what I must do.

I remember when Swee'pea was three months old and the thought of ever leaving him was horrific. If I'd had to make the decision whether to return to work then, I would surely have chosen any financial sacrifices to make it happen. But now, I am ok with going back to work. I'm hoping they'll let me return for three days a week, but I'm still waiting to hear on that. And really, Sugar Daddy's income wouldn't keep us afloat on its own.

But I haven't gotten very far. I've looked on the Early Years Centre website for care providers but haven't actually phoned any. Because I can see already that none of them are perfect. They aren't in the location I want, and I didn't see any mention of organic living (not that we are living organically ourselves, but I'd love it if our daycare does).

Air Time

This morning we had a tiff about me showering. Sugar Daddy was late for work but I really needed a shower. I know if the roles had been reversed, he'd have flipped out if I stood in the way of his shower. So I took my shower because really what does 15 minutes matter? In the shower my neck and shoulder started spasming, and continues now; I'm sure the result of lugging 22 pounds of squirming wriggliness all day long, then fighting to keep myself on the outside few inches of bed, or curling myself in some way around 22 pounds of thrashing, rotating arms, legs and butting head all night. Is it me or is our bed tilted just to tip me out?

I found myself wondering in the shower, how will we cope when I return to work? Swee'pea sleeps until 9 most mornings, and I just don't know how we will get the three of us fed and dressed at an early enough hour for Sugar Daddy and I to work an eight-hour day. And we're already both completely tapped out. This weekend was tense, because both Sugar Daddy and I are feeling overstretched. He doesn't get much him time, though he does get the half-hour bike ride to and from work most days. And I don't get much physical time to myself. I love that I've been writing and making photographs, which I do mostly while Swee'pea sleeps. And that I get out once a week for belly dance. But even the things I do for enjoyment mostly seem to take effort. I don't have much that I do to replenish my energy.

This weekend we both talked about how our heads are spinning with the speed of life. Sugar Daddy wants to do yoga more and have more bubble baths (don't we all?). And still I asked him, where do I fit on that list? Because I miss him. I miss how we used to cuddle while we watched ER (now we may manage to watch while watching Swee'pea and keeping him out of trouble but only just). I miss how I used to wash dishes while he cooked, and we'd talk.

Modelling an alpaca wool sweater and toque from my friend who went to Peru for a few weeks just before Swee'pea was born

In the months since Swee'pea was born, and even before he was born, I have always thought that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom if we could manage it financially. But the other day, as I wrestled with Swee'pea and my frustration trying to change his diaper or his clothes, the thought crossed my mind as my impatience grew, that maybe I'm not cut out for it. Even though I'm not hugely ambitious or career-oriented, maybe it's better for me to be at work. And it made me really sad.

I used to think, as Meredith did on Grey's Anatomy, that if you're going to have a child, why would you want someone else to raise it? My mother-in-law has always been very driven, very career-oriented. Once, years ago, when my brother's wife spoke of how amazing and enriching she found motherhood, more than she could ever have imagined, my mother-in-law replied that she never let Sugar Daddy interfere with her career. Growing up in South Africa where domestic labour is cheap cheap cheap, Sugar Daddy had a nanny, which made it a lot easier for his mother to pursue her career. His nanny was very trusted, and Sugar Daddy loved her like a second mother. When he first told me this, I thought, not for my child[ren].

But now that I'm a mother, my opinion has changed (as it has on so many other things). I believe that no-one can love as fiercely as a mother (well except a father). And if you can find someone to care for your children, who they also love, that is only a good thing.

I'd really like to find a hippie-type, granola-crunching daycare. We are not as granola-crunching as I'd like to be, but I think it would be great for Swee'pea to be in that kind of daycare. But when I googled hippie daycare Guelph, nothing came up. How do you find a hippie daycare? There's a woman in my belly dance class who runs a daycare, and she could be a bit granola-crunching (the fact that she belly dances and her husband has dreads is, I think, a good sign). But she's due to have her second child in May, and I'm worried that that will affect the care she provides. She's planning to hire an ECE student for a month, but that seems too short to me. Am I being unreasonable?

There's also a woman around the corner from us who seems perfect. The gingerbread molding on her house is painted a gradient of turquoises, and I've seen her riding her bike in a skirt (Don't you just love what I associate with hippieness?). But she only cares for kids after age 2. Wah!

At the Santa Claus Parade

Anyways, this morning I called Wee Watch to find out what they're all about. So, slowly, like honey dripping and turtles charging, I am looking for daycare. How did you find your daycare providers? Any tips? And if anyone in Guelph reads this and knows of a hippie-type daycare, please let me know.