G-town, ON – The All-Night Breastaurant is ending its night shift. Daytime operations will continue as they have been since last month’s cutbacks to the day shift. Cinnamon Gurl, Owner-Operator, cites severe sleep deprivation and increased violence for the closure.
“Some of the past few night shifts have just been too rough around here, too much hooliganism, too much violence, too much screaming,” Cinnamon Gurl told reporters at a press conference this afternoon.
A few weeks ago, Cinnamon Gurl was badly bitten during one of the night shifts and woke to intense pain. During the attack she endured several seconds that felt like hours envisioning the central apparatus breaking completely off. "I imagined that clenched jaw NEVER letting go, EVER. I imagined being in that intense, brain-warping pain forever. It wasn't nice." Since then she has tried to make informal cutbacks to her overnight operations, but the primary consumer has become more and more demanding, perhaps the result of teething.
As of tonight, there will be no more night feedings. The owner of the All-Night Breastaurant has hired her long-time partner, Sugar Daddy, as a consultant to manage the transition for the first few nights. Sugar Daddy has endured personal attacks himself over the last few nights as well. The other night, a juvenile delinquent who cannot be named managed to kick Cinnamon Gurl in the kidneys AND Sugar Daddy in the head AT THE SAME TIME – repeatedly -- over several hours.
The All-Night Breastaurant has made a significant contribution to our community over the past 14 ½ months that it’s been in business, reporting about 20 pounds and 12 inches in growth.
“It’s really the severe sleep deprivation of the last couple nights that has really brought me to this decision. I just cannot do it anymore and maintain my daytime operations. Something has to give,” Cinnamon Gurl concluded. “Hopefully, cutting back the breataurant’s operations will lead to more sleep for all of us.”