Wednesday, June 27, 2007

weird day, weird dream

Today was weird. Shortly after I arrived at work, I noticed I was feeling decidedly edgy and more than a little grumpy. I wondered if someone had spiked my tea with coffee or five extra teabags. A nervy current thrummed across my muscles, pushing my shoulders up to my ears and flicking my toes in my still-stinky sandals and twitching my fingers on the pen. I felt like a green filly at her first race, overfit and spooking at the crowd, except there was no crowd and it wasn't a race or my first day or first anything.

I think the weirdness started when I found myself swimming to consciousness at 5:30 this morning, trying to escape a nightmare in which I had just gotten fired, one of two scapegoats from some incident involving shit and a fan (in reality my workplace is not like this at all). But I just officially gave up a permanent position with an organization reputed for its cushy and reliable permanence, and Sugar D's recent experience with organizational amputation has reminded me that nothing's permanent. In my dream, I didn't have enough experience with the company to even merit a package, a terrifying prospect when Sugar D is also unemployed right now (in real life, I would merit a package of some kind).

I suppose it's a pretty standard anxiety dream, except that last night I went to bed thinking about how my blog has jumped the shark and I'm not getting as many comments as I have. I've also been feeling pretty discouraged that no-one's really looking at my photos on flickr. The images that I like the best are only getting anywhere from zero to five views, never mind comments or anything like that. I know I need to comment more, both on flickr and in bloggyland but still... shouldn't someone enjoy my photographs on flickr? So in my dream, after I found out I was fired as a scapegoat and discovered we would shortly become destitute, I realized I could blog about it, and surely that would get more comments. I woke up trying to compose a short post.

I am ashamed at what a comment whore I am, at how my dream has shown me up to myself. (And, um, well look at that... I'm blogging about it.) Mad's words also keep ringing in my ears: "I need to remember what is was like to live life without experiencing every moment as potential blog fodder." And damn it, I just miss her.

Anyways, I spent the day grumpy and impotent. And now it's time for So You Think You Can Dance.

PS I didn't get fired.


Julie Pippert said...

That's tough...those dreams. Sometimes they hang over me in a vague way all day too.

You know, for me, it's clicking somewhere else when I've already got at least a dozen tabs lined up waiting for my attention, knowing I'll get sucked into photo viewing etc. So it's time. That's all.

Maybe if you embedded them in posts...people like that a lot.

Not that you asked for input...sorry LOL.

Anyway, if it helps, I think times are tough all over because it's summer.

But yeah, I notice my feedback is directly proportional to my input (or is that output?).

Oh, The Joys said...

I hate the anxiety dreams. I have them randomly too.

It's a toss up which is worse though, those or the sex with George Costanza ones. Bleah!

cinnamon gurl said...

Julie, I should clarify: I get wonderful comments from my bloggy friends when I embed photos here... but I think of the flickr world as only slightly overlapping with the bloggy world, and for a while my favourite shots were getting closer to 10 views (woo hoo). It's that they've dropped off... and I'm noting it here just because it's separate from flickr.

And OTJ, Ugh! Although I've never had one, I think for sure the George Costanza sex dreams would be worse... did he stop for a sandwich in the middle?

bubandpie said...

A lot of barometric pressure going on today I think, and messing with our heads.

You know me - I obsess about the numbers too, especially when hormones and/or humidity is involved. (Do I sound obsessed with the weather? It's cause my air conditioner is broken AND I'm working from home all week.)

"Jumped the shark" is such an awful term - it's so violent and final. "Lying fallow" is how I like to think of it, those periods that everybody goes through (including TV shows) where not much is happening on the surface, but forces are gathering, things are brewing whether we're aware of them or not.

Mouse said...

It's my first summer in the blogosphere, but I've heard that summer is a slow time. I go back and forth on anxiety over numbers and being able to enjoy the practice of writing for the sake of writing (though some of that goes into my journal too--gotta spare you some of that).

I tell myself that I've decided I prefer having a core of readers I "know" than high numbers. I wish I were stronger in that belief when I look at my stats.

And I won't even get into the anxiety dreams.

slouching mom said...

funny, i too felt unsettled and even insecure about my blog today.

what's with today?

and this is my first summer blogging, so i'm trying to get a sense for whether people read blogs less often in the summer as a rule, or whether it's just random ups and downs...

i quite like your photos. post more photos!

Jurgen Nation said...

Oh, I HATE the anxiety dreams. Those are tough to endure and to deal with upon waking.

I'm the same way about comments and stats and it can get me so incredibly depressed! It's awful. I try not to look at my stats, but it's hard not to notice comments. I have noticed something similar the past month, though. Readership is down not just with me but with a few of my friends, too.

Anyway, I heart you and I heart your blog. I don't think you've jumped the shark at all. I read you through reader all the time; I'm just not keeping up with comments very well. :(

flutter said...

Me too! what is the DEAL?!?

Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

I had a creepy dream TOO! I was 9 mos pregnant and all of a sudden the baby just FELL OUT (as if) and it BROKE IN HALF and I kept telling the doctors to put the liver and stuff back in so that the two halves could fuse back up, since everyone knows fetuses can do that.

It sounds even weirder when I write it down.

Regarding stats, I think June is a bad month because everyone is outside freaking on the fact that it's not snowing. We'll be used to it in a few more weeks.

Nancy said...

Summer is definitely a rough time for blogging. And for dreams, also -- I have had several nightmares this week which seem to reflect my general unsettled-ness.

Hang in there.

Oh, and thanks for reminding me about your excellent Flickr photos -- I'm going to go make you a contact so your pics come up automatically when I log in to Flickr. (Not because you made me feel like I should look at them, but because I get genuine pleasure out of them.)

Beck said...

I think in order to get your photos viewed more on Flickr, you need to join groups - otherwise, how will people see them?
But I've felt exactly the same way about my own blog recently, so all I can say is that I RELATE.

NotSoSage said...

I'm one of those who just isn't finding the time to get around as much as I used to. It's less about summer than about the fact that this (and probably the next) season is really crunch time for my thesis. It's do or be done by the end of 2007. That means I'm only home one weekday evening and we all know how hard it is to blog on weekends.

I'm visiting when I can.

Kyla said...

I think I'm guilty of not being around as much (at least in the last week or so). It isn't summer so much as entering back into the business of KayTar.

Don't you hate those dreams? They just heighten your awareness of insecurity. Ack.

*sigh* I miss Mad.

Mary G said...

I am wowed by the dog in the eight things post! So how did you do it, hmm? I confess I forget to go and look at Flickr, but I love to see photos in posts, seconding julie here. As nouse said, it's my first summer, but I find I have less time for blogging when the evenings are long, and I bet that's true for a lot of us.

Anxiety dreams can really last, and drag at you. I hope yours wore off fast!