Friday, December 15, 2006

On the Plus Side

I think I am getting to grips and getting over myself a bit. I had a sneaking suspicion, which I voiced to Sugar Daddy when we went to bed with a very awake Swee'pea last night, that I was being a pathetic whiner about all the crap of this week and a baby who doesn't sleep much. And reading Mad's post this morning really hammered that point home. As I said over at her place, I think this is the first post I've read that has made tears roll down my cheeks and land on Swee'pea's hand wrapped around my finger while he sleeps. Some have brought a shininess to my eyes, but the tears haven't actually rolled out. It's probably partly the stress of the last few days, and the Bob Marley I'm listening to, but that is a great post.

On the plus side, despite the fact that the Office of Home Affairs destroyed Sugar Daddy's passport this past August, it sounds like he may be able to get a temporary one in time for our trip, so we may not need to cancel. It requires a trip to Toronto and fingerprints at the cop shop, but it is within the range of possibility. So that's good.

Sometimes I feel so restricted by Swee'pea's need to wrap his fingers around an adult finger while he falls asleep. Trying to extricate myself from his grip can feel like trying to get away from an octopus; just when you think your free another tentacle imprisons you. But this morning, Mad's post reminded me of the beauty and magic of his grip. Mad's post made my head stop spinning with a million stupid details, to enjoy the weight of healthy Swee'pea in the sling and the sight of his resting eyelashes on his cheek. It looks something like this, minus the toque:

Asleep in Red

And I did make some photos I'm happy with yesterday.

Glasses with Bartender's Scarf

The sun is shining, the weather is sweet.

Thanks for the reminder, Mad.


bubandpie said...

That's the trouble with motherhood, isn't it? The wonderful parts are always all mixed up with the wanting-to-run-away parts.

That photo, with the toque, is just magical.

Beck said...

My God, he's beautiful.
That first baby is just so achingly hard. Seriously. I remember sobbing to my husband at work that I could not take one more minute of it; that it was TOO HARD. And now, the big joke is that on the days when both older kids are in school, I feel like it's a holiday - just me and the baby! whoooo!
So take heart. It DOES get so much easier. Really.

Mimi said...

Beck is full of commenty goodness this week! Another comment that *I* can use (hope you don't mind sharing, CG) ... I was something of a 5pm sobber as well ...

* chase has a big ole bruisy face from house punching him last week
* wilson cuts deal with tritter/'trigger' that would see house go to rehab for 2 months -- wilson admitted he didn't write the prescriptions. house obviously turns down the deal. is given three days to rethink.
* cameron v. pissed at wilson for this: figures it's a selfish ploy to get his car/patients/bank account back
* cuddy cuts off house's pills, and takes over his case, a somekinda dwarf 15 year old whose organs are shutting down. if house takes the deal, he gets his pills and his patient back.
* house barges in on wilson counseling a grieving widow and tries to steal the corpse's pain meds. wilson yells at him.
* house gets the dts. it's pretty sad
* house goes to the pharmacy and signs for pills for dead man.
* dwarf, it turns out, isn't dwarf at all: brain tumour suppressing her growth.
* wilson tells tritter he's no longer willing to testify. tritter says it's too late, and now both he and house will go to jail
* house refuses wilson's offer of an xmas get-together, goes home, and overdoses.
* wilson finds him in a pool of vomit, with the dead man's pill bottle, and leaves in disgust.
* house goes to tritter's office, and offers to take the deal: but it's off the table, because now that he's signed for the pharmacy pills, he's incriminated himself.

the end. there's more, obviously, but this is the gist. merry christmas!

Mad Hatter said...

That picture of Swee'pea is so very precious. I have been to those places of utter despair. Miss M was and is a clinger. It can be so very, very hard. It's not that I/you don't love them with all your being; it's not that I/you don't want to be with them every second. It's just, it's just, that IT IS HARD. It is so hard and no one tells you about the degree to which you will have to sacrifice your sense of self for them. I/you do it willingly but it is hard.

My sister's story exists on another plain altogether. I cried while writing it and I will continue to hold it sacred. But I know, like you know, that being a mom is so very hard. And so very beautiful.

BTW, if you miss my comments over the next few days, it's because I am on the road visiting family. I promise to be back in the swing of things by mid-next week.

ewe are here said...

What a beautiful picture! So lovely.

Looking at my boy when he sleeps, no matter how difficult the day may have been, always makes me get over it. They're just so precious when they're asleep.

Lisa b said...

oh I love the sleeping swee'pea shot.
We struggled with sleep with our baby too so I know how you feel. It is conflicting to love them so much yet feel so trapped.