Thursday, March 13, 2008

where have I been?

The intense relief I felt upon hearing we didn't that lovely house kicked off a frenzy of spending ideas. It was like we'd just gotten a raise or a windfall not having to pay for that house. We could go to Cuba! I could get a new lens! I could go to BlogHer! Maybe I could go on some photography workshop! I've looked into most of those options but so far haven't done any. Now, the frenzy has given way to mild sadness. Every time I'm in the vicinity of that house, or near somewhere where I thought about that house, I feel sad. Sad that the two weeks of moving in our belongings and family will never be. It's ok, really, I know it was never meant to be and there is probably something better (and less expensive) around the corner.

After my initial disappointment at having gained 10 pounds in the last few months and not in fact having shrunk all my pants as I'd originally thought, I've been going to the gym with respectable frequency. I thought the weight would fall off with the increased activity and decreased wine and cookie consumption but sadly no. At least I'm not gaining weight, but still. I think the next move will be to buy new dishes. I strongly suspect that there is a downside to "generously proportioned" dinnerware as nice as the pumpkin colour is.

I've also been thinking a lot about photography. Someone's starting up SoFoBoMo, sort of like NaNoWriMo. If you sign up, the goal is to create a solo photo book with 35 photos, all laid out preferably in a pdf. You have 30 days to make the photos, process them, and lay them out with any text. I haven't signed up, but I've been thinking about it for the last month at least. I'm not sure if I want to sign up, but I think I may try to play along informally, so that if I don't follow through I have no one to answer to buy myself.

I've also been exploring blurb and their bookmaking software to see what it's like. It's really easy and you can even import your blog to lay it out for a book, but you don't end up with a pdf. You end up with a file format that can only be produced by blurb, which I suppose makes sense since the software is free but still.

Anyways, last weekend I asked Sister Christine's permission to approach people at the Drop In Centre about sitting for me, and she agreed, if somewhat unenthusiastically. I think she was concerned that I would just go shooting everyone without their permission, and "some people are funny about pictures." I didn't do a great job of reassuring her because I was nervous, but I know inside myself that I will make sure not just to get people's consent but to make sure they understand this is for an art project. So we'll see where that goes...

Sugar D's been working hot and heavily on my own gallery site, which will also have a blog focused mostly on photography. I've been surfing the web checking out other photographers and looking for workshops and thinking about possible projects. Sometimes it feels really good to be working on something bigger than myself and my family, but other times it's scary as hell. Sometimes I get scared that my newfound ambition is interfering with my parenting. I remain haunted by Her Bad Mother's passing comment somewhere else that some famous author's kids talked about always wanting to be inside the room their mother was in, always feeling, literally and figuratively, shut out. Anyways, I'm trying not to get paralyzed by thinking. The important thing, and I have to keep consciously reminding myself, is to keep seeing and looking and squeezing the shutter.

My wrists are tingling. I've been typing like mad at work this week and my wrists are really feeling it, so I'll sign off now.

12 comments:

Mad said...

I remember hearing that author interviewed on CBC or her biographer or some such thing.

If you want to talk about spending and imagined free money, talk to me. Now that I am not having that other kid I have literally hundreds of thousands to spend over the up-coming years. Now I am off to pick up my daughter so that we can go look at show-kitchens. Lord have mercy on my soul.

cinnamon gurl said...

Ooh, show kitchens! I may just have to pack up Swee'pea myself this afternoon!

Suz said...

Ha. We're looking at houses right now and it's hard, mainly because I haven't found one that I've fallen in love with. Once I do, we probably wont get it.

I don't think you should go to a photography workshop, I think you should teach one.

There. Those are my two cents :-)

niobe said...

What Suz said.

It is a little wistful-making to imagine the life you might have lived in a house you never bought. Sometimes I think that, in some other world, I'll have the chance to remake all my decisions, to walk all the roads that I somehow missed.

Kyla said...

Oh Sin, you have such a knack for this photography stuff. I'm proud of you for stepping out there and I have no doubt you'll do well.

I'm reading a book right now that this post reminded me of, The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian. It is about homelessness and photography among other things. I think you'd like it.

Beck said...

I still think about my lost house, the one I wanted so much in North Bay and that we couldn't quite afford at the time... But you know, no matter how wistful thinking back on that is, the house we ended up with is pretty great, too.

nomotherearth said...

I think you should do SoFoBoMo - it sounds cool.

Aliki2006 said...

It's hard to lose a house you loved...and hard not to go on a spending spree, either.

Good for you for pushing full steam ahead on your photography! I can't wait to have more pictures to look through and, yes, you should teach a workshop--definitely!

Jennifer said...

I can't wait -- can't wait -- to see these photos of yours. GO, YOU!

Mimi said...

I think it's good for everyone for you to have a passion and interests. I am pretty sure that kids have bottomless desire for parental face-time, but that, ultimately, Swee'pea will get more from knowing that you are a full-fledged human being with interests and talents, in addition to being the love of his life. I know that's how it worked with me and my mom. And if it recharges you, everybody wins.

Also? Show kitchens!! Ooooh, sign me up!

Janet said...

It's hard, that longing for what could have been. It sounds like you have a lot of exciting projects on the go! I'm envious. I feel a little stuck in a rut over here.

Beck said...

Thoughts like that have kept me terrified of writing seriously....