My head is spinning and I've been having trouble sleeping because of it. We've had three agents to price our house (because I didn't like the first agent's price suggestion), and instead of leaping sheep I have endless numbers swirling around my head -- all night long, awake or asleep.
However, I had a particularly bright spot in my day yesterday. Walking downtown to buy yet more grass seed, the barrage of numbers running relentlessly through my mind and distracting my vision, we passed some kids hanging out outside Fresh Start. Four of them, in a row, and I was dying to take a picture. But I continue to be stopped up by my self-consciousness, my awareness that I would be photographing Disadvantaged Youths and feeling guilty for responding to that, for labelling them. So I just walked past them.
As I was passing, one of them commented on how cute Swee'pea was, so I stopped and we chatted. About how our local youth shelter, which served dinner to 30 kids every night and had 20 emergency beds closed suddenly in June with no alternative available. About how they're still waiting for the city to set up a new space and how it won't be downtown anymore. They seemed like genuinely nice kids, and I asked for a photo. I left feeling sad that I never got off my ass to help out at the shelter, and how I wish I'd made more effort to make that photographic project happen, although maybe it's better to give the kids a camera and let them represent themselves anyways. I'd like to volunteer now but since we're leaving town, it's just another lost opportunity. Still, I suppose there will be lots of Disadvantaged Youths in Toronto, too many to count or even to notice after a while, I bet.
After I left them, I saw this guy pulling out a smoke and couldn't resist. He's sitting in front of the grand old post office.
Later, I saw an old crazy friend from school, who I hadn't seen in many years but who's all of a sudden everywhere I go. In fact, I've been seeing a lot of people I haven't seen in nearly ten years... a former lover, and the guy who made good sandwiches in the cafeteria (one of the agents who came to our house yesterday).
I'd been feeling really blocked, photographically, unable to make the kind of images I want to (i.e. with people), so I felt a lot better. Still, I didn't sleep well and I feel hungover today, like some kind of time machine has opened up between my crazy school days and now.
Assimilation is the Wrong Goal
2 days ago