Thursday, April 19, 2007

No More Ms. Nice Guy!

April '07 ROFL

All-Night Breastaurant is Shutting Down

G-town, ON – The All-Night Breastaurant is ending its night shift. Daytime operations will continue as they have been since last month’s cutbacks to the day shift. Cinnamon Gurl, Owner-Operator, cites severe sleep deprivation and increased violence for the closure.

“Some of the past few night shifts have just been too rough around here, too much hooliganism, too much violence, too much screaming,” Cinnamon Gurl told reporters at a press conference this afternoon.

A few weeks ago, Cinnamon Gurl was badly bitten during one of the night shifts and woke to intense pain. During the attack she endured several seconds that felt like hours envisioning the central apparatus breaking completely off. "I imagined that clenched jaw NEVER letting go, EVER. I imagined being in that intense, brain-warping pain forever. It wasn't nice." Since then she has tried to make informal cutbacks to her overnight operations, but the primary consumer has become more and more demanding, perhaps the result of teething.

As of tonight, there will be no more night feedings. The owner of the All-Night Breastaurant has hired her long-time partner, Sugar Daddy, as a consultant to manage the transition for the first few nights. Sugar Daddy has endured personal attacks himself over the last few nights as well. The other night, a juvenile delinquent who cannot be named managed to kick Cinnamon Gurl in the kidneys AND Sugar Daddy in the head AT THE SAME TIME – repeatedly -- over several hours.

The All-Night Breastaurant has made a significant contribution to our community over the past 14 ½ months that it’s been in business, reporting about 20 pounds and 12 inches in growth.

“It’s really the severe sleep deprivation of the last couple nights that has really brought me to this decision. I just cannot do it anymore and maintain my daytime operations. Something has to give,” Cinnamon Gurl concluded. “Hopefully, cutting back the breataurant’s operations will lead to more sleep for all of us.”

- 30 -

For more information, please contact:

Cinnamon Gurl
All-Night Breastaurant


Mouse said...

Ah yes, I remember that well, especially since Scooter went on a daytime feeding strike when he was home with Trillian. Fun times.

Good luck with the alleged juvenile offender.

Bea said...

This is fabulous. Absolutely perfect.

Mimi said...

Well, this was a members-only establishment, right? So the public at large won't be unduly affected by this change in hours?

Miss Baby's now at the breastaurant twice a day, and McFormula twice a day.

You'll emjoy the sleep ...

NotSoSage said...

What a great post.

And, ugh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Good luck.

OhTheJoys said...

Um... is there a customer service department? Heh.

S said...

Love this!

Very funny from someone not getting enough sleep and getting bitten in a place no one should ever have to get bitten!

Unknown said...

The community thanks you for your faithful service and wishes you the best of luck in your future endeavors (sleep and not getting roughed up by a baby...)

crazymumma said...

I will be listening for the screams of rage from here in Toronto as rhe juvenile offender finds The Breastaurant shut down. (So Funny...)

Seriously though, I remember night weaning. Should only be a couple of nights, maybe have a bottle of water ready.

Bon Chance!

Beck said...

Biting. Uggggg.
When I was nursing The Boy, I asked what a more-experienced mother what I should do if he bit. "Scream," she told me. It turned out that I didn't actually need to be told that. So he only bit me once because he was afraif of loud noises.
Sadly for me, the NEXT baby found Mama screaming really, really funny.

Mad said...

Swee'pea: this age of downsizing and mother corp cutbacks are truly disheartening aren't they. Might I suggest, though, that your night shift picket lines and teamster bullying tactics only reflect poorly on you. C'mon lad, step up to the challenge. You can fit the new, leaner corporate model.

karengreeners said...

This is awesome.

You guys will be ok. we did it at 16 months, it took exactly 2 nights of non-boobie tlc to get over it, and she's slept through the night ever since.
We wondered how much earlier we could have closed down our restaurant and felt like total chumps because we knew the answer.

Good luck!

Girlplustwo said...

hilarious. and good for you.

Aliki2006 said...

Oh, C.G, this is so funny!! So cleverly written. You know, the one main reason I weaned Tessa at 21 months was bcause she had somehow bitten a SORE right next to my left nipple--the only breast she would nurse from at that point. It hurt so badly--I covered up the spot with a bandaid, told Tessa that I had a boo--boo, and that was the end of night-nursing for me.

Run ANC said...

I'd write a comment here, but what can I say about perfection. You should actually send this release out on the wire.

Bon said...

beautiful. i hope the breastaurant night staff enjoy their deserved rest and bite-free sleep.

Kyla said...

This was a work of genius!

I hope the hooligan stops roughing you two up very soon.

Anonymous said...

Great post and excellent review of the shut down process. Congrats on the well earned ROFL!

Maddy said...

Oh yes. I found that one time when my baby accidentally latched onto the nearest thing available, that my husband suddenly got the message too. Nothing like a baby suctioned onto a hairy chest to give them both a shock.

Kelly said...

This Breastaurant closed about 14 months too. It's best for all involved, because truly, that diner need not be opened all night, even for stoners and people coming off their buzz!

Anonymous said...

Good luck! Luck to Sugar Daddy too!